Love as a Drug?

Love is one of the most powerful human experiences. It can bring a sense of safety, closeness, joy, and meaning to life. Yet it does not always remain a healthy source of support. For some people, a romantic relationship can gradually become the only way to cope with emotions, loneliness, or low self-worth. At that point, it is no longer simply intense infatuation, but a pattern of behavior that may resemble mechanisms known from behavioral addictions.

The term "love addiction" is often used in popular literature and therapeutic practice, but it is not currently recognized as an official psychiatric diagnosis in either the DSM-5 or ICD-11 classifications. Even so, many psychologists and psychotherapists describe clients who repeatedly display patterns that closely resemble addiction—for example, compulsively seeking romantic relationships despite the fact that those relationships repeatedly cause suffering.

It is therefore not an addiction to love itself. It is more accurately understood as a dependence on the feelings produced by a relationship, or on the confirmation of one's own worth through another person.

In a healthy relationship, two people enrich one another's lives while each retains their own identity, interests, and ability to function independently. In emotional dependency, this balance changes. The partner becomes the main source of safety, self-worth, and psychological stability. If the relationship is unstable or the partner is absent, intense anxiety, emptiness, or hopelessness may appear.

Such a person may:

overlook harmful or hurtful behavior from a partner,

repeatedly remain in toxic relationships,

experience a panicked fear of being alone,

immediately seek a new relationship after a breakup,

suppress their own needs in order to keep a partner,

or, in extreme cases, display obsessive or controlling behavior.

This is not necessarily a lack of genuine love for the partner. It is often a deep fear of losing the emotional support without which the person feels unable to function.

The Roots May Reach Back to Childhood

One of the best researched explanations is Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth.

Research suggests that the way our closest caregivers responded to us in childhood influences our expectations in adult relationships. When a child grows up in an environment where love is stable, predictable, and safe, they are more likely to develop a secure attachment style. Such a person is generally better able to form healthy relationships, manage conflict, and function without constant reassurance of their worth.

By contrast, children who grow up with rejection, instability, emotional unavailability, or unpredictability may develop anxious or avoidant attachment patterns.

In adulthood, this may appear as:

an extreme need for closeness,

fear of abandonment,

constant demands for reassurance,

or, conversely, avoidance of genuine intimacy.

A romantic partner may then become a substitute for the sense of safety the person did not experience in childhood.

What Happens in the Brain?

Modern neuroscience shows that romantic love activates several areas of the brain involved in the reward system.

Dopamine plays an especially important role. It supports motivation, anticipation of reward, and feelings of euphoria. This is why the beginning of a relationship is often accompanied by intense excitement, increased energy, and constant thoughts about the other person.

Other chemical messengers are also involved:

, which supports trust and emotional bonding,

, which is associated with long-term attachment,

, changes in which may contribute to intense focus on a partner.

These biological processes are a natural part of falling in love.

The problem begins when a person relies on these feelings as their only source of psychological well-being. After separation or a breakup, symptoms may appear that resemble withdrawal: intense sadness, anxiety, insomnia, impaired concentration, or a powerful urge to contact the former partner.

Although these reactions may resemble addiction-related mechanisms, experts emphasize that they are not biologically identical to dependence on psychoactive substances.

Why Do Some People Stay in Toxic Relationships?

Many people ask why someone does not simply leave a relationship that is causing harm.

The answer is usually more complicated than it first appears.

When a person's self-worth depends on being loved by someone else, leaving the relationship may feel like losing their identity. The fear of loneliness can become more powerful than the pain caused by the partner.

Psychology also describes a process known as intermittent reinforcement.

When periods of rejection alternate with brief moments of affection, the brain remains in constant anticipation of the next "reward." A similar mechanism is found in gambling, where unpredictable rewards strongly reinforce repeated behavior.

This is one reason leaving a toxic relationship can be psychologically extremely difficult.

The Digital Age and the Illusion of Endless Choice

Social media and dating apps have fundamentally changed the way relationships begin.

On the one hand, they allow people to meet others they might never have encountered otherwise. On the other, they may encourage constant comparison, idealization, and the belief that "someone better is just around the corner."

Research suggests that excessive use of dating applications may, in some people, reinforce impulsive searching for new romantic contacts as a way of regulating emotions.

The problem is not the technology itself, but the way it is used.

True intimacy is not created by the number of matches or contacts. It develops through trust, openness, emotional availability, and mutual respect.

Is Recovery Possible?

The good news is that it is.

The first step is often recognizing that the problem does not lie only in the choice of partners, but also in the person's relationship with themselves.

Psychotherapy can help a person:

understand recurring behavioral patterns,

process wounds from the past,

build healthy self-esteem,

establish appropriate boundaries,

and develop the ability to feel fulfilled even without a romantic relationship.

Approaches that may be helpful include cognitive behavioral therapy, attachment-focused therapy, schema therapy, and other evidence-based psychotherapeutic methods.

Group therapy, support communities, and the development of strong relationships outside romantic partnerships may also play an important role.

Love itself is not a drug.

It is a natural part of human life and one of the most important sources of psychological well-being.

But when a romantic relationship becomes the only way to confirm one's worth or escape loneliness, it can turn into an unhealthy mechanism that gradually takes away freedom.

Healthy love does not emerge from an emptiness that another person is expected to fill.

It grows from the meeting of two people who value and need one another, yet are still able to stand firmly on their own.

The greatest proof of love is therefore not that we are unable to live without someone.

It is that we are capable of living a full life on our own and still choose to walk through life together.

– JK –