Alcoholism - Part 5

Codependency in a Relationship with a Person Addicted to Alcohol

Alcohol addiction rarely affects only the person who drinks. Its consequences gradually spread into the partner relationship, parenting, family finances, communication, and the overall sense of safety at home. It changes everyday decision-making and often reaches the point where the mood of the entire family depends on whether the family member has been drinking, what condition they return home in, and what will happen next.

The clinical term for alcoholism is Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD). It is a medical condition in which a person gradually loses the ability to reliably control their drinking despite its harmful consequences. The disorder can vary in severity, and effective treatment options are available. However, the responsibility for seeking help and actively participating in recovery ultimately remains with the person who drinks.

When discussing codependency, it is important to explain that it is not an officially recognized mental disorder with universally accepted diagnostic criteria. Even among professionals, there is no complete agreement about everything this concept should include.

Current professional understanding describes codependency as a pattern of relationships and adaptation in which a person gradually devotes more and more of their life to controlling, rescuing, or making excuses for someone else, while their own needs, personal boundaries, and identity slowly fade into the background.

A recent scientific review also points out that behaviors described as codependent may originally represent an attempt to cope with chronic stress, uncertainty, or threats within an important relationship.

Codependent behavior usually does not begin with a conscious decision to sacrifice one's own life.

At first, there is love, trust, and hope that the problems are only temporary.

A partner may explain the drinking as work-related stress, exhaustion, a difficult period, or simply the need to relax.

As the situation repeats itself, promises, apologies, and fresh attempts to "start over" follow.

Gradually, the loved one begins trying everything that provides even the smallest sense of control.

They hide alcohol, check their partner's phone or finances, monitor what time they come home, beg them to stop, threaten to leave, or try to predict their mood before they even open the front door.

When the person misses work because of drinking, their partner calls the employer and invents an excuse.

When money is gone, the family quietly pays off the debts.

When the addicted person behaves inappropriately in front of the children, the other parent minimizes the situation in an attempt to protect them from the truth.

Such behavior does not necessarily arise from weakness or a lack of intelligence.

More often, it reflects a desperate attempt to keep the household functioning, protect the children, avoid conflict, or preserve the family's dignity in the eyes of others.

The problem begins when occasional help turns into a permanent assumption of responsibility for another person's drinking.

Although this may prevent a crisis in the short term, it may also unintentionally delay the moment when the addicted person experiences the real consequences of their behavior.

Support and rescue are not the same thing.

Support may involve helping someone seek treatment, driving them to medical appointments, or encouraging them to follow their treatment plan.

Rescuing begins when a partner repeatedly lies on the person's behalf, pays off new debts, excuses repeated absences from work, or takes over responsibilities the person neglected because of drinking.

The line between the two is not always obvious.

A helpful question is:

Am I helping this person take responsibility, or am I protecting them from it?

Why do people often fail to admit what is happening?

One possible psychological explanation is cognitive dissonance—the uncomfortable inner conflict between what a person observes and what they need to believe.

On one hand, they see repeated lies, conflicts, and the consequences of drinking.

On the other hand, they desperately want to believe that the person they love still has the situation under control and that their future together remains intact.

The mind naturally tries to reduce this conflict.

As a result, a person may minimize the seriousness of the situation, search for external explanations, or place excessive hope in short periods of calm.

This is not always a conscious attempt to deceive oneself.

Rather, it is a psychological way of temporarily protecting hope while postponing a painful decision.

Another important factor may be the feeling of losing control.

When a partner has tried pleading, making demands, monitoring behavior, issuing ultimatums, and forgiving over and over again—yet nothing fundamentally changes—they may gradually begin believing that nothing they do matters anymore.

This process is sometimes explained through the concept of learned helplessness.

Martin Seligman and Steven Maier used this concept to describe the effects of repeated exposure to situations that a person perceives as impossible to influence.

It is not a diagnosis, nor does it explain every situation.

However, it helps us understand why repeated unsuccessful attempts to change a situation may eventually lead to passivity, resignation, and the loss of hope.

More recent interpretations of this concept emphasize the crucial role of a person's belief that change is—or is not—possible.
 
 The cycle of tension, relief, and renewed hope...

Life with addiction often follows a repeating cycle.

A period of drinking is followed by conflict, disappointment, or crisis. Then come remorse, apologies, and promises that everything will change. After that, there may be several peaceful days or even weeks, and the family begins to believe that the worst is finally over.

This unpredictability can leave loved ones in a constant state of heightened vigilance.

They continuously monitor their partner's mood, pay attention to the tone of their voice, check how much money is left in their wallet, or listen carefully to the sounds coming from the next room.

When the crisis finally subsides, they experience an overwhelming sense of relief, which can easily be mistaken for genuine safety returning.

Some people claim that the partner becomes biologically addicted to the cycle of conflict and reconciliation itself.

However, this explanation is overly simplistic.

It is more accurate to speak about a prolonged stress response, learned relationship patterns, and hope that is repeatedly reinforced by brief periods of calm.

This is not the same mechanism as alcohol addiction.

Leaving the relationship—or making significant changes to it—is therefore difficult not only because of love or emotional attachment.

The decision is often influenced by children, housing, a shared mortgage, financial dependence, fear of the partner's reaction, shame, social pressure, and the belief that the family must be preserved at all costs.

For some people, previous experiences with unstable or abusive relationships, low self-esteem, or a profound fear of abandonment may also influence their decisions.

None of these factors alone explains the situation, and a person's past does not determine their future.

Codependency is not only a women's issue

Codependent patterns can develop in women and men alike, between romantic partners, between parents and adult children, or even between siblings.

The differences often lie mainly in how these patterns are expressed.

In many families, women are still expected to maintain relationships, care for the household, and "save" the family.

Men, on the other hand, may feel pressure to endure problems in silence, avoid talking about their helplessness, and remain the strong one at any cost.

In both cases, social expectations may contribute to people delaying professional help until they are emotionally exhausted.

For this reason, codependency should not be viewed as a personality flaw or a sign of weakness.

Instead, it is more helpful to examine the behaviors themselves, their causes, and their consequences.

Questions such as:

• What am I doing out of fear?
• What am I doing simply to avoid another conflict?
• How much of my own life have I sacrificed because of someone else's drinking?
• And what price am I paying for it?

can become an important starting point for change.

When the whole family's life begins to revolve around alcohol...

Living with addiction over a long period may lead to emotional exhaustion, sleep disturbances, anxiety, chronic tension, guilt, and increasing social isolation.

People often stop talking about their problems because they feel ashamed or fear being judged.

They gradually give up hobbies, friendships, and opportunities to rest because they feel they must stay home and keep everything under control.

Over time, they may lose touch with their own needs.

Instead of asking,

"How do I feel? What do I need?"

their thoughts become dominated by questions such as:

"Has my partner been drinking?"

"Where are they?"

"What can I do to prevent another disaster?"

Research on families affected by addiction consistently shows that Alcohol Use Disorder and family functioning are closely interconnected.

At the same time, it also demonstrates an encouraging fact:

Loved ones can seek help for themselves.

They do not have to wait until the addicted person decides to enter treatment.
 
 Children who have to grow up too soon...

Children deserve special attention.

In a household affected by alcohol addiction, they may learn to suppress their emotions so they "don't create more problems," hide what is happening from others, or constantly monitor their parents' moods.

Some begin caring for younger siblings, managing the household, or even taking care of the parent who struggles with addiction.

When a child consistently takes on practical or emotional responsibilities that are inappropriate for their age and developmental stage, psychologists refer to this as parentification.

This does not mean that every household chore is harmful.

The problem arises when family roles are reversed over a long period of time, leaving the child without adequate protection and forcing them to become the emotional support for an adult.

Research has linked excessive parentification and growing up with a parent who has an addiction to an increased risk of anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, and later substance misuse.

However, this is not an inevitable destiny.

Many children are able to develop in healthy ways despite adverse circumstances—especially when they have a secure relationship with at least one supportive adult, a stable environment, and access to professional or social support.

The protective role of these factors has also been confirmed by systematic reviews of research involving children of parents with addictions.

How can someone break free from codependent patterns?

The first step does not necessarily have to be ending the relationship.

The first step is returning to reality and recognizing one's own ability to make choices.

This means evaluating the situation based on repeated patterns of behavior—not just promises—and honestly acknowledging the impact alcohol has on the partner, the children, the family's finances, and everyone's safety.

The next step is establishing healthy boundaries.

A boundary is not a punishment, a threat, or an attempt to force someone to stop drinking.

A boundary defines what you will do to protect yourself and your children if certain behaviors continue.

For example:

• "I will no longer lie to your employer for you."
• "If you've been drinking, I will not argue or discuss important issues with you."
• "If you're under the influence, I will not allow you to drive with our children."
• "If you become aggressive, I will leave for a safe place and call for help."

A boundary only has meaning if it is specific, realistic, and the person is prepared to follow through with it.

It is also important to stop automatically shielding the addicted person from every natural consequence of their drinking.

This does not mean neglecting children, risking the family's safety, or ignoring dangerous situations.

It means learning to distinguish between protecting vulnerable family members and rescuing an adult from the consequences of their own choices.

A loved one can seek psychological or psychotherapeutic support even if the partner refuses treatment.

Therapy may focus on:

• rebuilding self-esteem,
• working through guilt,
• improving emotional regulation,
• establishing healthier boundaries,
• and rediscovering one's own identity.

Support groups for relatives of people with addictions can also be extremely valuable.

Because codependency is a broad concept rather than a formal diagnosis, there is no single universal treatment approach.

If the partner is willing to seek help and the relationship is safe enough, couples therapy or family therapy may also be beneficial.

Approaches based on cognitive-behavioral and family therapy models can improve communication, strengthen relationships, and support recovery from alcohol misuse.

However, if the relationship involves violence, threats, intimidation, sexual coercion, or any immediate danger, the priority is not preserving the relationship or starting couples therapy.

The priority is ensuring the safety of the individual and any children involved.

In such situations, it is essential to seek professional or crisis support and develop a safety plan.

If there is an immediate threat to life or safety, call the emergency services (112) immediately.

Love does not mean taking responsibility for someone else's life...

Codependency is not a disease that an addicted partner "causes" in someone else, nor is it proof that there is something inherently wrong with the loved one.

Rather, it describes a set of relationship patterns that can develop after living for a long time in uncertainty, chaos, and emotional instability.

Although these patterns may initially help a person survive a difficult situation, over time they can gradually take away their freedom, self-worth, and ability to make independent decisions about their own life.

Helping does not mean lying, covering up the consequences of another person's drinking, or tolerating dangerous behavior.

Loving someone does not mean taking responsibility for their recovery.

And healthy boundaries are not the opposite of love.

In fact, boundaries are what separate genuine support from rescuing behavior that eventually harms both people.

A person can begin changing their own behavior without waiting for their partner to decide to change.

They can seek professional help, reconnect with family and friends, protect their children, stop making excuses for someone else's actions, and gradually learn to recognize and respect their own needs again.

The outcome may not always be saving the relationship.

But it can be the beginning of something equally important:

the return of the freedom to make safe, healthy, and independent choices about one's own life.

– JK –